The Catch Can
By Rick Eckart

TOP 10 PRESS CONFERENCES THAT'LL HAPPEN THIS WEEK
Wednesday, October 10, 2007

10. Michael Waltrip will finally announce that Dale Jarrett will race the Big Brown Truck.

9. Bruton Smith is officially "taking his ball and going home."

8. Tony Stewart endorses a word-of-the-day calendar with 365 swear words that won't get you fined.

7. Red Bull reveals in a tear-filled press conference that they're guilty of "doping" their racecars to get them to run so well. NASCAR mandates immediate urine tests for all cars.

6. NASCAR will fine car-eating machine Robosaurus for being a half-inch low on the rear quarterpanel. In protest, Humpy Wheeler will tell Robosaurus to go eat NASCAR President Mike Helton's car.

5. "Front Row" Joe Nemechek will officially change his name to "Furniture Row" Joe, and his mother and #1 fan, Martha Nemechek, will begin dressing as a sofa.

4. Drivers reveal that the real reason they didn't like Jacques Villenueve debuting at Talladega was because he eats all the finger sandwiches at the pre-race driver's meeting.

3. After retiring for four races, Ricky Rudd will unretire for six races so that he can announce his third retirement. Does this make you tired? Or retired?

2. Dale Earnhardt Junior will have to hold another press conference to say his sponsor is "not that kind of Mountain Dew."

…and the #1 press conference that'll happen this week…

1. Jeff Gordon announces he's recycling all beer cans thrown at him and donating the money to treat hundreds of arm and elbow injuries that mysteriously occurred after the race at Talladega.